A funny email I received today

Subject: A special holiday thank you for adding me to your Email spam lists in 2006.

I must add my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes, cause I now have to get a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to
send me your chain letters over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave, because it causes cancer. And I no longer drink bottles of water that have been frozen since they release a poison from the plastic bottle once thawed.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones, because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants, even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls, because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS, or FedEx, since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target, since they are French and don't support our American troops, or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone, because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan at $750 per minute...

I no longer eat KFC, because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus, since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul, because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings, because I gave it to a sick girl, who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

Actually, I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank you all so much for looking out for me, and I will now return the favor! ...And if you don't send this message to at least 144,000 people in the next 60 minutes, a large seagull with a bowel problem will land on your head at 5:00 PM(CST) this afternoon and have an accident. I know this will occur, because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician!

Thank you...